Free Funny Verses Poems Quotes, Wishes, Sayings for your handmade greeting cards.


How old is your wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
– Lucille ball

I want to be an artist
To paint pictures just for you,
So when each birthday comes around,
I can send you quite a few

From birth to age eighteen, a girl needs good parents.
From eighteen to thirty-five, she needs good looks.
From thirty-five to fifty-five, she needs a good personality.
From fifty-five on, she needs good cash.
-Sophie Tucker

Don't modify your language
Don't rebel and cause outrage
Decide to do the decent thing
Just lie about your age
-Jon Bratton

Happy Happy Birthday
May all your dreams come true
Happy Happy Birthday
I wrote this rhyme for you
-Sabrina Simon

I never forget my wife´s birthday. It´s usually the day after she reminds me about it

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't.
-Richard Bach


Computer Says NO! – Little Britain

If you Don't Know – Google it
-J Stobbs-

Have you tried turing it off and back on again?

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months. ~Clifford Stoll

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. ~Mitch Ratcliffe

What's the difference between a woman and a computer, a computer can take a 31/2" floppy

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Crap… Someone knocked over my recycle bin… There's icons all over my desktop

Better to be a geek than an idiot

You know you're a geek when… You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened to me. It was scary

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.


Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink
-Bumper Sticker

I used to drink, I did. I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing in their lights thinking I'd made it to the next club.
– Bill Hicks

I don't have a drinking problem ! If anything, I'm TOO good at it.

I used to drown my sorrows but they learned to swim.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin

There ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk.

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
-W. C. Fields

I swear to drunk im not God!

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on
– Oscar Levant.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
– Brian O'Rourke.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading
– Henry Youngman.


Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I have amnesia
Cheese on Toast!!

I don't have a short attention span I Just..oh look there's a chicken

Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 83 ceiling tiles in our meeting room. And 8 light fixtures, with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

My mate Jim says I'm schizophrenic, which is weird,
because I don't have a mate called Jim.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

"You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
–Mark Twain

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
–Homer Simpson

I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
–Ken Dodd

Don't have a Cow Man
–Bart Simpson

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
–Robert Frost

I’m Out Of My Mind Feel Free To Leave A Message.

I swear to drunk I'm not God

Are these bubbles in the champagne handmade
–Donna Nelson